It’s not every day a chocolate penis is wanged in your face.‘Mum. Stop it, you’re in a children’s play centre,’ yells my best mate, Camille. Her shouting only has more people turning towards us.‘Oh, Camille. How do you think all those children were made? If it wasn’t for willies, there wouldn’t be anyone in your business.’‘Talking about business, leave Beth alone.’‘But she’s an expert.’‘Not with penises I’m not.’ I sigh. ‘But chocolate, yes. Cam, go make us a drink so I can have a proper conversation with your mum.’

Sighing, I follow Dylan through the bank. I can’t help noticing that for an arsehole, his bottom is rather nice. Tight and firm. He swings round. 'Are you checking out my bum?''No.' I go to flip my hair but meet nothing as it's in the damn ponytail.'Sorry, my mistake,' Dylan raises his hands in mock surrender. ‘That’s just how it looked. You know, in the reflection there.' He points to a glass cabinet. I look and see our reflections. Fuck.'It's a kink in the glass or something. Makes it look weird.' I fold my arms around myself.Dylan tilts his head as he looks at me. 'Kink, hey? Hmm.’

What the fuck does she read?I called in sick again. It's now late Tuesday morning and I've spent hours pouring over these books. Billionaires. Cowboys. Rock Stars. I've also been through the shelves. Dora already had a couple of the books I've bought her. One thing they all have in common? What I have seen termed as an Alpha Male. Basically, you start off treating the woman like absolute shit, but it's okay because you have issues. It's not personal, it's because you're an orphan. In these books, every one of them is an orphan. Could the authors not be fucking bothered to write parents and family in? Fuck those few thousand words and complications. Road accident for Ma and Pa. Job done. Well, I'm not an orphan but my mum died a few years ago, so that's something I can work with. I'll develop some kind of issue with it, to make myself angry.